The Story of Tim: The Forgotten Tenth Ringwraith
by Squijim
Summary: Well, I think the tittle pretty much says all. I spent alont of time on this story, I wanted to do something funny. It's only rated R because of the language that Tim uses. But please R/R!!!!!!!!


The Story of Tim: The Forgotten Tenth Ringwraith.  
  
This story is rated "R" for strong language used by the main character. You have been warned.  
  
Disclaimer: I HAVE read the books SEVERAL times, but this story, is not meant to follow the book, it was written for the soul purpose of entertaining those who read it, and seek for a laugh every now and then. Some things are not true to the book, but then it's not meant to be, because who in Middle-earth would ever see a purple Ringwraith riding on an Ostridge? SO for those of you who are offended by the inaccuracy of this story, just chill out because this is just meant for fun and nothing else.  
  
-Squijim.  
  
Hi, my name is Tim. I'm sure that most of you don't know me, but then that's the whole point of this stupid story now isn't it? So I might as well enlighten you, since that's why you're all probably here.  
  
I am Tim, the infamous tenth Ringwraith. Wait, I already told you my name huh? Shit! I'm already screwing this up!  
  
Now I bet you're saying: "You dumb bastard! There were only 9 Ringwraiths!" But I'm here to tell you that there were TEN dammit!  
  
I'm the Ringwraith that nobody wants to remember. I was always what you might say a bit of an outcast, just because I was shorter and nicer than everyone else... But dammit I made a good Ringwraith!  
  
I was born in Buckland, though I assure you that I am not a hobbit..despite the fact that I'm short. I knew from the moment I opened my eyes that my life was going to suck; I think everyone else around me knew too. My mom tried to treat me like her other kids, but after awhile she just sort of gave up on me. I guess it was because instead of stabbing small animals and terrorizing the neighbors, I sat in trees, eating fruit and talking to the bugs and birds. I went through an awkward stage where all I said was "BUZZZZZZZZZ!"  
  
Then the day finally came when I was old enough to go to Ringwraith school! All Ringwraiths start out wearing grey until you get to Ringwraith school, then you get those kick ass black robes that you've seen the Ringwraiths wear in the movies. (Which I was not a part of mind you!) But how the hell was I to know that black was such a popular color in Mordor? I went into the shop where this guy who smelled like rotting fish heads sold robes.  
  
I strolled up to the counter and peered up at the smelly guy, (I'm not that tall you see...only about 4'11, and it sucks like a bitch let me tell you!)  
  
I ask for some black robes in my size and the guy shakes his head.  
  
"Don't have any more black."  
  
NO BLACK! I thought, well, it can't be that bad, maybe I could get away with a midnight blue... then, the guy pulls out this bright ass purple robe.  
  
"What the hell!" I stammered, gaping at the robes. Did he actually expect me to wear that thing! "I can't wear that!" I yelled/  
  
"It's all we got." The smelly guy said, letting out a loud belch.  
  
"I'll get my ass kicked it I walk out of here wearing that! I'm going to Ringwraith School, I need black!"  
  
The guy shook his head and shrugged. "That's not my problem."  
  
Many long streams of curses came pouring from my mouth, like: (Kids cover your ears!) "You fucking bitch ass whore slut hand job tit shit porker son of a shitty mother fucking raper bitch orgasmic fuck!"  
  
The last thing I remember after saying that was a shiny, metal objet hitting my forehead and the loud sound of gritty laughter.... I woke up in the gutter a few hours later, wearing the purple robes. DAMMIT!  
  
So my whole day was turning out to be pretty damn crappy.  
  
After pulling myself out of the gutter, I figured I had better head on down to the stables, a Ringwraith has gotta have a horse you know.... Hence the name "Black Riders" ..... except of course for me who was now a god damned PURPLE rider..... I mean, come on! How terrifying is that? Strikes about as much fear to the heart as a soggy sponge.  
  
So I trudged into the stables, my other classmates laughing and pointing at me, I walk in and all the fucking stalls are empty! Great, just great, now what the hell am I supposed to do?  
  
"You're late," a tall, older Ringwraith says to me. "All the black horses are taken."  
  
The phrase, "No Shit" bounced around in my brain.  
  
"I'll take what ever you have." I muttered.  
  
The older Ringwraith walked off, I was praying that whatever I would be riding would at least in some way "resemble" a horse.  
  
The older Ringwraith came back out, leading a short, brown horse with a giant white blotch on her forehead, chewing on a large carrot.  
  
Great, it's bad enough that I'm fucking purple, but now I have to ride a horse with a damn beacon on its forehead! Oh yeah, no one will see US coming!  
  
"She's a bit of a hot tempered animal, so watch yourself.... Good luck." The older Ringwraith handed her over to me and walked away laughing. So, with my purple robes on and my beacon horse in hand, I headed on down to the last place I had to go, the sword shop.  
  
Now, if you're thinking that this story can't get any worse, I'm here to tell you.... It does.  
  
As to be expected, the whole store is sold out, no swords left.  
  
I'm just about hysterical at this point. They guy behind the counter felt sorry for me so he went into the back to try and find something for me to use. He comes out and sticks a five and a half inch BUTTER KNIFE in my hands! After banging my head repeatedly on the counter I thanked him and left, now ready (Sort of) to attend Ringwraith School.  
  
I came in late and was mocked by both teacher and students for my robes. I tried to ignore them and sat down in my seat.  
  
The teacher took a few moments to regain a straight face before continuing. "All right guys! Listen up! The first lesson for the day is sword fighting, something every Ringwraith needs to know how to do, I'm sure that you all had plenty of practice in your childhood at this..."  
  
I thought back to my days as a child..... Damn, why did I spend all my time eating fruit!  
  
"Now," continued the teacher. "Everyone stand up and get your swords ready!"  
  
I sat there, staring up at the teacher dumbly. I pulled the butter knife out of my pocket and stared at it. "Awe shit!"  
  
Now I'm not going to go into detail about all that happened to me in my school years.... It's something that I'd rather not remember or dwell on. But I can tell you that after countless years of wedgies, swirlies, fake gum, and signs taped to my back..... I FINALLY graduated from Ringwraith School!  
  
There were about 30 in my graduating class, and none of them, not even me, thought that I would of received the job that I got that day.  
  
Sauron, the main man, the big kahuna himself, came to see us. He said that he was there to recruit 10 Ringwraiths for a job to track down some short guy who had stolen something of his jewelry. He went down the line, and selected the ten Ringwraiths he needed, I was just as shocked as the rest of them when the Lord of Darkness himself, chose me. His eyes fell on me and he started busting up laughing and fell down, I thought he would never stop.  
  
There was a mutual groan from the other nine chosen when I went to join them; I began to ponder if I was chosen because Sauron thought I would make a good Ringwraith... or if it was because I was short and purple. But I didn't care, I was going to be working for Sauron, way better than the job that I would have been stuck with..... Selling Lembas door to door.  
  
We did the usual stuff, ransacked towns and lopped off people's heads. The guys all kinda got a little pissed at me because I was leaving cards behind saying "Sorry for your loss" whenever we destroyed or killed something. I tried to reason with them by saying that it was the polite thing to do, but after they tied me to ravenous bull for 5 hours I stopped.  
  
We went to this really neat place called the Shire; they had these tiny people with hairy, gigantic feet. They looked fucking weird to me, but I say, "Whatever floats your boat."  
  
The people.... "Hobbit's" I've heard them called, "The Short Little Pecks" is another, call them whatever the hell you want. Anyway, we went to this place and we're asking around for some hobbit named "Baggins" apparently he was the one who had stolen Sauron's jewelry.... which apparently was a gold ring. All this for a damn ring? Oh well, I guess everyone had their personal items that mean a lot to them- I had this stuffed squirrel when I was 3, his name was Mr. Numb Nuts, I would take him with me everywhere and toss him up into the trees, then I'd climb up and- oh..... Heh, sorry. I got a little sidetracked.  
  
Anyway, the little git wasn't there so we figured that we'd try and catch him in Bree..... seeing as how he 'd skipped town with his gardener. Am I the only one who sees something a little gay in that?  
  
The whole trip to Bree was a major bore...... I got stuck behind everyone else and ended up eating their dust, literally. Not to mention my beacon horse thought it would be funny as hell to dump me off in a ditch. Damn horse.  
  
We got to Bree in the middle of the night, I of course was chosen to get off and knock on the blasted big ass wooden gate. I knocked once..... no one came. So I knocked again harder..... and the whole fucking gate fell!  
  
The guys got a good laugh out of that, I was pretty miffed and had a hell of a time trying to get back on that God damned horse of mine again.  
  
As usual, I was picked to sneak up and see if the little pecks were in their rooms. I found a stack of crates and climbed up onto them and peeped inside the window, I saw them; they were with some guy whose odor I could smell through the glass. I tried to see a little better by standing on my tiptoes, (I'm short okay?) and I slipped, fell, and knocked over the crates, making a big ass crashing noise.  
  
"You fucking bastard!" was the mutual response from the guys.  
  
They dismounted quickly and ran into the building, swords unsheathed, determined to catch the little buggers before they escaped. I on the other hand, was left to stand guard at the front door with my butter knife.  
  
I heard the guys yelling out something inside and a few minutes later they came out with four pillows. (Apparently there were now four hobbits..... how the hell was I to know!) They had replaced themselves with pillows and run off. Sneaky little shits.  
  
So again we were off, the guys however didn't want me along top screw things up, one of them shouted out to me.  
  
"Look Tim! Badgers!"  
  
"Whoa! Where?" I turned around, whipping out a spoon, searching for the hairy creature.  
  
I heard the sound of laughter and hooves fade off into the distance from behind me. The S.O. B's had used my fascination with badgers to distract me so they could ditch me. Bastards.  
  
They covered their tracks very well, so it took a long ass time to catch up to them. By the time I did, it was too late. I was up on a high hill, looking down at a river. There were the guys chasing some elf chick on her horse, and the little peck with the ring was with her. Where the smelly human and the other three pecks were at I had no idea, nor did I care.  
  
I figured I had better help, so I pulled out my knife and charged down the hill, then this huge wave came out of fucking nowhere and swept the guys away.  
  
I stopped just short of the river, staring at the guys being washed away. The elf chick was looking at me suspiciously; I casually put my knife away and waved to her.  
  
"Hi there....uh, I'm not with them..err, I was just admiring this patch of grass here..yes, it's very nice. Very pretty."  
  
She rolled her eyes at me and rode off.  
  
I sat by the river and pondered a bit. How the hell was I going to explain this to Sauron? He'd blame me because I'm the one who fell and made the hobbits run off in the first place. Why the hell doesn't anything go right for me!  
  
I came to a quick decision and skipped town to go hide out somewhere. I ended up getting a job at Disney Land, selling Mickey Mouse Ear hats. Then, one day, I got this letter from the guys saying that they weren't dead and that they had traded up to flying around on weird ass creatures.  
  
Dammit! I knew I should have stayed!  
  
So, back I went to Mordor to get my winged mount...... which turned out to be a fucking Ostridge!  
  
I was able to make it fly though, I stuck a propeller to each wing and man did that baby zip by!  
  
There we were, the scary, flying Nazgul..man it was such a cool tittle! They guys were all singing some Rob Zombie song, so when they were done, I thought I would enlighten them with a song too. I started singing "All the Small things" by Blink 182..man did I get a major ass beating for that one.  
  
We ended up being summoned to go to Gondor and kill everyone off, a simple task right? NO! Sure the other guys were safe on their big cursed creatures..but I had an Ostridge man! I was screwed! Some big explosion went off and sent my Ostridge flying away from the battle, damn coward, so I missed all of the fighting. By the time I was able to turn the piece of shit around and fly back, the battle was over, and all the guys and their smelly creatures were dead.  
  
I'm beginning to think that I'm pretty damn lucky..... how about you?  
  
I didn't stick around long in Gondor, I had to fly back to Mordor and make up some lame excuse to Sauron why I was still alive. But when I got there, he was gone, and not just him, everyone who worked for him, gone....freaky.  
  
So..... to put it plainly, I was now out of a job.  
  
Luckily, I got a letter from the Walt Disney Company saying that they wanted to offer me another job, this time as security guard, I even got to have a REAL weapon! WHOO HOOO! Go TIM! Eh... Sorry.  
  
Anyway, so that's my story, not much else to tell I'm afraid. So...you can leave now.  
  
Hey, I told you to leave..... Dammit don't look at me like that! Get out! GO! Don't make me use my butter knife!!!!!!!  
  
THE END.  
  
(Or is it?) (No, actually it is) (Or IS it?) (No...wait.....yes, Uh..awe man.)  
  
*Walks off muttering to herself* 


End file.
